First, take a moment to watch this classic video and come back…I'll wait here. OK! Welcome back. So, we've all been there, right? You care about someone and you're watching them suffer and you just desperately want to make it better for them. Your helper parts kick up and tell you the best way to end their suffering is to just yank out that damned nail or tell them how to do it. Boom — problem solved! But for some reason it keeps not working — what gives?

The instinct to help someone you care about is such a good and loving one. So today I'd like to honor your instinct to be there for your loved one, and teach you how to effectively soothe their suffering. (Spoiler alert: It does not involve the claw end of a hammer.)

Several years ago, I attended a therapy training and they taught us the catchy, somewhat Johnny Cochran-ish phrases (shout out to my fellow alive-during-the-1990s peeps!) "connect before you correct" and "validate before you educate." What that means is that all of that "problem solving" and fixing is happening too soon in the process. Our first job as loving friends, partners, and parents is to connect and validate. Then, afterward, once our loved one feels really heard and held by us, if they still need to get the nail out, we can offer our ideas and suggestions then. So, what does that look like in real life?

Let's say your wife or boyfriend is struggling at work. Their boss is being SUCH a jerk and they're so stressed out and angry! You DESPERATELY want to tell her to quit her job, or tell him what worked for you when your boss was giving you grief last year, but instead, you stop yourself. You remember that instead of "fixing their problem," you need to SAVE them:

Show Up
Accompany
Validate
Empathize

Showing Up means being fully present — stop what you're doing and give them your full attention, turn toward them with your body, and really listen. (Pro Tip: If you're having trouble doing any of these steps, you might be getting triggered in some way. Do some self-exploration or talk to your therapist to determine which part of you might feel uncomfortable sitting with your loved one's feels.)

Accompanying means you're making them feel like they're not alone. ("I'm right here." "I've got your back, honey." "We'll get through this together." It might also look like physically undoing their aloneness — hold their hand or put your arm around them if that feels good to them.)

Validating them lets them know their feelings make sense and they're not crazy. ("I can totally see how you'd feel like that." "Of course that upset you — it would upset anyone!" "That makes sense!")

Empathizing is feeling with them, letting their feelings touch your heart. This might sound like… "Ugh, I'm so angry that happened!" or "Oh, that just makes me so sad you're going through this right now."

At the end of this process, once your partner feels really heard and held, you can check and see if they'd like to hear an idea you had about how to help with that nail. At last, hammer time!! (Hello again, '90s peeps!)

Seriously, it's rarely our strategies and action items that make our loved ones feel better — it's knowing that you've got their back and their feelings are valid. Give them your attention, your compassion, and your love, and 99% of the time, that will be "the solution."