This is a really powerful article on being a better white ally to people of color. I appreciate it because it matches my experience as a relationship expert. Both in the absolute necessity of undoing the aloneness of our fellow Americans who are traumatized and suffering, and in the clarity that using shame to "call out" racism will likely shut people down and keep them from learning. While we want to avoid "tone policing" marginalized groups, we who are privileged need to speak up in a way that cultivates understanding and openness. As satisfying as it might be to lash out at your racist aunt or co-worker, you're not doing the work of opening minds and changing behaviors. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "You have little persuasive power over people who can feel your contempt." Staying regulated, curious, empathic, and humble in the face of racist speech is a much more effective approach — not unlike "deep canvassing." This article clearly and eloquently outlines the work white people have in communicating with fellow white people about racism…and I see no reason it couldn't apply to allies in tackling sexism, homophobia, or any other civil rights issue.

Like most Americans, I've felt saddened and appalled by the senseless death of George Floyd — and the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor, and Trayvon Martin, and Eric Garner, and… I've appreciated the courage of the peaceful protestors who are speaking up against systemic racism and violence perpetrated by bad cops. I felt so touched yesterday to see caring police in Queens and Oakland kneeling with peaceful protestors, cops standing in solidarity with protestors in New Jersey, Flint's sheriff walking with Michigan protestors, the police chief in Atlanta validating the outrage and horror of her community.

This has been an especially hard time for the Black community, being disproportionately affected by the coronavirus, job losses, and several horrifying acts of racism that have been captured on video and shared with the world. As Will Smith said, "Racism is not getting worse. It's getting filmed." If you're Black and struggling with feelings of anger, sadness, and overwhelm, please check out this article on self-care in the midst of tragedy. (For a general refresher on self-care, please visit this link from earlier this year.)

If you're white and struggling with your own feelings of distress, please take the opportunity to check out some of the antiracist resources below. We are all stressed and tired and longing to get back to normal. But this part of "normal" has to change, and it's up to us to change it. The time has come for white people to step up and actively work to undo the systemic racism that has been with our cherished country from the beginning. As Brene Brown just wrote, "The system is not broken. It was built this way."

- Choose from the 75 things white people can do for racial equality

- Explore resources for talking to your kids about race and racism

- Donate to Campaign Zero (providing policy solutions to end police brutality) or the NAACP Legal Defense Fund

- Help make therapy accessible for Black women and girls by donating to The Loveland Foundation Therapy Fund or support women in STEM through Black Girls Code

- Read White Fragility or So You Want to Talk About Race to educate yourself

Taking action will not only help your community, it will help you. In stressful times, research shows that the people who find ways to help and be empowered are those who demonstrate the most emotional resilience and resistance to depression or PTSD.

May you stay safe, be well, and act in integrity with a loving heart. We are in this together.